ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
