plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The air was thick with penises
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
