I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
