Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
