I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
