Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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