i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
