I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
