If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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