So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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