Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
