The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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