Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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