Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
