he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
