you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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