I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
