I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So I just went to clothing optional bar
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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