I cannot find my penis.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Then you guys just all showered together...?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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