The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Let's paint friendship bongs
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
