You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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