They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
