So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
