I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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