Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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