last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
