Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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