Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
