First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
