Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
