i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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