dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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