sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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