Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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