Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
