Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
