for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
