i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
