thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
