he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
