my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
