I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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