Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
