I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
