The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
