When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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