I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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