I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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