just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
