Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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