Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
