dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
