Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
