Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
