Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
